Am I truly able to say this? When I first read this verse at the beginning of the retreat on Friday, I wondered who the psalmist was who dared say such a bold statement. Surely, I didn’t think I could honestly say that I desired nothing but God… I just had too many other loves conflicting within me, too many hopes turned sour.
So I went back and read the whole of PSALM 73, and I was impressed by the contrast between the beginning of this psalm, and the end. This psalm revealed a spiritual journey where the writer struggled seeing so many wicked people prospering at the expense of the righteous. But towards the end… when he enters the Temple of god… he finally understands. And he worships God.
I stood still. That same afternoon, Psalm 73 was the topic of a lunch conversation at work. My coworkers were struggling with the same issue of unfairness. And here I was, away at a retreat, where the conclusion of this psalm was being proclaimed loud and clear… “It’s not about me.” I saw how before my eyes, my world shrank (with my problems, my fears, pains and disappointments) and I was suddenly blinded by the Majesty of God. Then and there, I stopped worrying about my world anymore. God was sufficient!
Being 36 and single with no real career, my life surely did not turn the way I thought it would 10 years ago, when I was a zealous Christian. Back then, my favorite verse was Philippians 4:13~ “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” But time and again, the doors closed on me at the last minute. Sometimes, I thought God was playing a joke on me.
But it was in order to strip me from other gods He kept me bare… It is only because I have nothing big I could boast of having that I can truly say: “Whom have I in heaven but You?” and along the same line, now I feel… with fear and trembling because my heart is deceitful… that I can honestly say the later part also: “On earth there is nothing I desire besides you.”
All these years, every time I got disappointed, God was showing me that I had to surrender all my desires and hopes to Him… even my longing to do good… if service is not done with the right heart, it could become an idol. I knew it in my mind, but I drew a fist at Him in defiance, unable to acknowledge such a God of contradictions. I needed to come to this point… I had to come to His SANCTUARY, to be so overwhelmed by His Majesty, to finally let go…
Some of my friends know that recently, I had received news of some doors of opportunities FINALLY opening up before me. They all celebrated with great joy, but I knew that it’s still too early to celebrate… What if I get disappointed again? But… while worshiping HIM, I knew it didn’t matter anymore. What happens to me is insignificant in light of Who God is… May God’s will be done.
I am sharing this publicly, because I know the real battle starts now… at home and at work… in my everyday life.
JESUS IS LORD 